My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
