WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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