Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
