he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
