you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
