9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize