she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
