Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
