Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
