Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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