i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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