You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
