If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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