Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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