i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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