4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
