Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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