My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
