Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
