I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
