Just took my morning after pill in the library
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
