WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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