Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
