She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
