It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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