The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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