the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Randomize
