If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
