YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
