We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
