i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
