How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
