If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
