You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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