he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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