I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
