you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
