actually, I'm a sock model
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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