Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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