Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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