Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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