I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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