I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
