maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
