a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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