I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize