jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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