are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
i've created a new STD.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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