i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
