His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
