sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Randomize