I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
