I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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