the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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