Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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