I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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