I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
