Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
