I didn't shave. On purpose
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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