end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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