she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
