The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
